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Many people love the idea of one day falling in love and getting married. So what does it take to build a fulfilling, lasting marriage? How can you avoid the problems that commonly end relationships?
And how can you keep from becoming a divorce statistic? The best thing you can do is anticipate problems and try to solve them before they occur. Unfortunately, many young people think marriage will solve problems, as if saying "I do" is a magical cure. But the opposite is true… Marriage only intensifies existing problems. Thoroughly discuss your expectations. Each partner carries into marriage a huge bag full of expectations. Expectations are usually formed by what you observed in your home while growing up. If your expectations differ, conflict will result.
So the more you discuss your expectations ahead of time, the better your chances of blending together happily. Learn to resolve conflicts.
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Many young couples believe a happy marriage has no conflict. Not so! Disagreements, hassles and conflicts are inevitable — they will happen.
Happily married couples are those who have learned to resolve conflict through communication, negotiation, compromise and sacrifice. Conflicts must be resolved for a relationship to survive.
Burying your hurts and struggles is like carrying around a sack of rocks. Every new hurt you stuff becomes another rock you drag around. Eventually, the load becomes too heavy and the relationship falls apart. Go see your doctor. Most states require a premarital blood test, which detects certain diseases.
Commitment is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasizes individual rights, personal freedom and mobility. The idea of giving these up becaue of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped.
Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. Someone once said, "Communication is to love what blood is to the body. Take communication away and a relationship dies.
That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men.
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Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives. We live in an instant world — fast foods, cash machines, computer access to information, direct dial communication all over the world. Marriage, especially, takes time and care to become really beautiful.
That means learning patience. Relying on feelings rather than commitment. Romantic feelings come and go, and many spouses get nervous when the flame dies down. They begin to doubt their relationship and wonder if they married the wrong person. In all marriages there are times when the tingle of romance fades.
At those times, commitment is the force that pulls you through. Relationships take time and care to become really beautiful. Being selfish rather than serving.
When two givers do get together, their marriage is usually fantastic. And the marriage of two takers can crash and burn within a matter of months. Selfishness will damage a marriage, but serving will solidify it.
Allowing marital drift. In geography class you may have learned about continental drift, where huge "plates" of earth move slowly and imperceptibly in opposite directions. The same thing happens in a lot of marriages. By talking regularly, setting mutual goals for your marriage, planning the future together, playing together, cultivating shared interests and fanning the glame of romance. Letting your eyes and heart wander.
I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch fot the early warning s. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off!
If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it.
These days a lot of people put down marriage, like the comedian who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married — but by then it was too late. Good marriages bring fun and laughter and meaning to life. It just takes time, commitment, and patience. McBurney is a psychiatrist in practice for more than 25 years. He has counseled thousands of couples and familes.
The stats are dizzying: Currently, about half of all marriages end in divorce. Each year more than 2 million couples divorce, involving about a million children.
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Children of divorce, particularly women, have a much higher chance of getting divorced themselves than children of intact families. First thing is to solve problems before they arise: The best thing you can do is anticipate problems and try to solve them before they occur.
Avoid these marriage killers Relying on feelings rather than commitment.